Useless...

I have to be up in 6 hours.

Tonight I find myself restless, and unable to sleep. I feel as though my mind could explode any minute because of the thoughts racing around and around in my head. I kept praying and begging for the Lord to let my mind rest so I could get the sleep I need for tomorrow. But God had other plans for tonight then sleep, and has been stirring my heart for a reason.

As I was lying in bed, attempting sleep, I began to reflect on what my life is like here. My day-to-day centers around myself. I am helpless to the questions that haunt me: How can I make myself stand out at work? What can I do to make people like me more? What’s wrong with only doing the things I want to do? How can I be the best teacher? Why should I ever get uncomfortable?

I’ve realized that I don’t like being uncomfortable. Much like the 5 year olds that I teach, I thrive on routines, schedules, and things going the way I plan them. When they don’t, I am thrown off enough to at times throw a fit to my Father, just as they throw a fit to their teacher. I have also realized that I’m much more introverted than I thought, meaning that I need time to myself at the end of the day to re energize, rather than the extrovert who relies on the constant presence of people to re energize. It’s amazing how much you learn about yourself by isolating yourself in a faraway land.

But when has being a believer ever looked like this? God never promised routines, and definitely never promised that things would always go my way. I believe that the major disadvantage to being a lowly human is the inability to see the big picture. I can’t see what the Lord is going to bring out of my messy life, and I certainly can’t understand why He would even think about using someone as broken as me.

That being said, God has been showing me that the gaping hole in my life right now is service. I’m way to caught up in me right now. It’s funny because no one likes to think of themselves as a selfish person, but as a broken people, we can’t help ourselves. The Lord is ripping at my heart, begging me to serve Him by serving His people. Who knew He sent me here to serve Him? It’s amazing how tainted our vision can become when we let ourselves get in the way…

Our Tuesday night Bible study has been brain storming a lot about how we can better become God’s hands and feet. We started last week by prayer walking around Suwon Station instead of our normal routine. Tomorrow, I’m going to propose a new ministry. That’s the reason God kept me awake tonight…

I’ll get you all the details as soon as I can. Hopefully my heart and mind can rest now so I will at least be somewhat useful at work tomorrow *^^*